dear god.
Message from CHILDOFGOD23
HI!
YOU SEEM TO BE A VERY FUN LADY. FROM WHAT I’VE READ AND SEEN SO FAR. WANT TO WRITE, CHAT, TALK, OR/ AND HANG OUT?
-RAFA S.
The Return of the Prickfessor
On Monday, shortly after midnight, I received this text:
Mystery Texter: Carolyn, clearly we never became friends afterwards. Sorry about that. You’re fun to be around.
Me: Who’s this?
Him: Joseph. The one you surely wrote a scathing blog entry about.
(Well, only the deserving make the blog, my friend.)
Me: Jesus. What brings you out of the woodwork.
Him: Just time passing and remembering you were cool.
Me: Random.
Him: It was just left off in a weird place.
(Maybe because you pulled a douche and dropped off the face?)
Me: Contacting me at random in the middle of the night is even weirder.
Him: Sorry about that. I was just having one of those moments, remembering that you’re a really cool woman who I lost touch with.
(“Lost touch” by actively ignoring me after the fact? Why the fuck do you even still have my phone number, Mister Six Months Later?)
Him: You’re worth remembering. If I’m forgettable, or if this is too weird, just ignore me.
Way ahead of you. The end.
organic kale
me: so the guy i had coffee with was 0% worth the effort
me: he was humorless, unexpressive, and pretentious, dropping gems like "organic kale" and "in my [yoga] practice"
me: he didn't smile once and actually said the word menstrual
pam: jesus
sarah: ew
joe: next please
[later...]
me: so organic kale just sent me an email saying he's not feeling it because we're too different, for example, i'm a vegetarian. he hopes i appreciate his honesty and enjoy my saturday.
me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
jen: omg wtf. say you appreciate his boorishness and total lack of insight
pam: christ.
sarah: wait. what?
me: it's gold.
pam: it really is. for example, you're a vegetarian.
me: i gave it a shot. however, i'm a vegetarian.
sarah: yes, that's obviously why it could never work.
me: i mean, for example, he's not a vegetarian
pam: i mean, it's futile. for example, you're a vegetarian.
me: he thought i would appreciate his honesty. for example, about my being a vegetarian.
sarah: i do appreciate his honesty and provision of such great examples, for example.
pam: clearly i'm dysfunctional because, for example, i don't mind vegetarians
me: myself? i could give a shit. if you're a vegetarian.
sarah: well it's too different. because you're a vegetarian. it's hard.
pam: this shit is cracking me up.
me: well clearly you didn't get the memo about my being a vegetarian.
me: i mean what's the point when you're a vegetarian.
pam: there IS no point. you're a vegetarian.
pam: i would say something. but then you're the vegetarian.
me: i'll just be over here. being a vegetarian.
sarah: well, he has a point. the differences ARE insurmountable. for example, you have a sense of humor.
me: yeah but unfortunately, it's vegetarian.
“ i owe you honesty. in the five days since we went out, i started seeing someone and we’re now in a serious relationship, so i’m no longer on the market. wish you all the best.
— guy i had coffee with last week
“ it’s a sad state of affairs when they can’t even get right the ONE thing they’re good for. #onenightstandfail
“ so, here’s the deal. even though i’m actively browsing and asking women out on a dating website, i’m not interested in dating anyone right now. on the few dates we’ve gone on (even though i do not wish to date anyone), you’ve been really great and funny and smart and a bunch of other awesome things, but given my desire to not date anyone, i no longer wish to date you. i do, however, really like you as a friend, but i have no intention of contacting you ever again.
“ wow. few words, beautiful photos, you are my kind of women.
“ i’d like the golden girls special with an order of cock on the side.
“ i can’t decide which is stronger - my desire to ignore or my desire to deflower.
“ his place was littered with condom wrappers and lube… not that it stopped me from sleeping with him.
“ i didn’t go for it because i was with my then-husband. had i only known, i would have served that shit up on a plate.
wounded ego
me: well, so, the thing is that i like you, but i'm not feeling the like-like. and i feel like a dick and i really don't want to hurt you but i think you're on a different page than me
him: what page do you think i'm on?
me: it seems like you're pretty into me
him: weird, i didn't realize i was giving off that impression
UM...: "what's that wilco song you like again? what size tshirt do you wear? my friends all think you are super hot. i want to see you again really soon! i know you said you're swamped with work and will be busy for awhile but what are you doing tomorrow? how about sunday? my friends invited us up next weekend, can you make it? i told my mom about you. can i see you this week? my friends keep talking about my mystery woman. did you check your schedule re: next weekend? i know you haven't responded to any of my text messages in days, but do you want to get together later?"
him: not sure how you got that impression. i mean i like you, but i'm not looking for anything serious right now.
me: right. i guess it's my mistake.
“ i don’t know if i can hang with his intensity levels re: art films and palestine.
“ a finger in each hole, like bowling, is your best bet for success.
